Overthinking

Falling in love for the first time is such a wonderful feeling. Especially when you knew that you made him fall for you too. ‘Pag first time mong ma-in love, clueless ka pa. Ang alam mo lang ay masasaktan ka kapag nagmahal siya ng iba o ‘di kaya’y sasaya ka kapag nalaman mong mahal ka rin niya. But it doesn’t work that way. He might tell you that he’s in love with you too pero ‘wag kang pakampante dahil pwedeng magbago ang nararamdaman niya. But because you’re falling in love for the first, ibubuhos mo talaga lahat para sa kanya. You’re going to be possessive with him, you’re gonna get jealous, and you’re going to be so crazy about him. Then you’ll notice he’s starting to act cold around you, he seldom texts you with sweet and morning messages, he gets irritated when you are talking nonsense things, and you’ll feel that everything you do just annoys him. Tapos dadating ang kinakatakutan mo. Your relationship failed. It’s over between the two of you. You’ll go begging on him to be back. You’ll be pathetic. But when you’ll realize that he never wants you back, you’ll have to get over him.

Then time will pass and you will start falling in love again. Now it’s the second time around. And when the next guy is a type of guy that will give you everything, you’ll grab that advantage. You’re going to be a spoiled brat. And when he’s that type of guy who is loyal enough, you’ll be too confident that you’ll stay longer. Kaya, hindi ka nag effort dahil alam mong baliw na baliw siya sa ‘yo. Pero tao lang din siya na katulad mo nasasaktan siya at napapagod. When the time comes that he got tired, he’ll start ignoring you. He would want you to go to him and make some efforts pero dahil akala mong lilipas din ang ugali niyang ‘yan, you ignored him too. You started ignoring each other. You got tired and without having a second thought, you broke up with him because you’re not happy anymore. And when you two broke up, you’ll appreciate the feeling of being single again and you won’t feel any pain about your break up. He would want you back but he didn’t tell because pride is eating him. And it all ends there. Then months will pass and you’ll hear the news that he is with someone new and there you’ll realize that you really love him and you want him back but you cannot do anything anymore. It’s the dead end for you. You can no longer change his feelings, you can no longer give the effort he wanted, and you can no longer have him back. That’s where you’ll feel regret. Magsisisi ka at papatayin mo ang sarili mo ng kaiisip ng mga “what ifs” and “what could have beens”. But you can’t do anything about it. And again, you’ll have to get over him.

It’s a funny cycle but you’ll have to start all over again but this time, you know more. You’ll be more aware, and you’ll be guarding yourself. Kung maaari, iniiwas mo ang sarili mong ma-in love. Iiwas ka ng iiwas pero mapaglaro si Cupid. He’s gonna hit you with just one shot of his arrow and then you’ll fall. You’ll start falling and when he falls for you as well, you’ll start thinking that it is not right. Hindi tama dahil ayaw mo na masaktan at makasakit. Tinago mo ang nararamdaman mo but your feelings are strong. Gusto nilang kumawala at wala kang magagawa kun’di ang pakawalan sila. At once na kumawala na sila, sasaya ka pero mangangamba na. And then you’ll be at it again. Papasok ka na naman sa isang relasyon pero ngayon cautious kana sa mga gagawin mo, nag-eeffort ka na, at mature na ang mga ginagawa mo dahil alam mo na ang mga gagawin at yung mga hindi. Pero huwag pa rin pakampante. People are knowledgeable yet clueless about love at the same time. And you know about that. You know that you shouldn’t be too confident because there and there will be chances that your relationship might end. So you’ll start overthinking. Your relationship is so good that you’ll start overthinking about things like, what if you two separates? What if he gets tired of you and leave you? What if he’s destined with someone else? You’ll be overthinking and it will kill you.

It is killing me.